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Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
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1:49 pm - Feels like home to me
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No matter how old I get, there is no better feeling than going home. Despite the last four years in California, this place remains a temporary residence (though one that is deeply important to me and has made a huge impact on my life). I love the calls I've received today: asking me what time I'm getting home, how long I'll be home, what I'll do while I'm home. Home, home, home. When you're tired and weary there is just no better word. And I love that my friends and family still offer me a place to come back to and call home, despite my absence. I can't wait to get there, my flight cannot come soon enough. Spring Break rolled around right when I needed it the most.
current mood:  excited
current music: Jaunt Jazz
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(2 blatant remarks | tell me all about it)
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| Monday, September 5th, 2005
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5:11 pm - Anguish in Angwin
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I aberrated from the enticing role of misery, only to be unpleasantly comfortable in the false role of perfection. Now I'm in stuck in sentimental purgatory, being skewered by the fence I tried ever so delicately to be perched upon.
current mood:  drained
current music: Buddha Bar
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(2 blatant remarks | tell me all about it)
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| Friday, June 3rd, 2005
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6:39 pm - "18 and I don't know what I want..." Oh, wait....
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Seems like my theme song just yesterday, sitting in the MIA room, no cares beyond prom committee, boyfriend drama (usually contained within the Flying Fish crew), and part time work for play money. Now I'm no longer playing house, I'm moving into my own. I have utilities, rent, car repairs, food...adult responsibilities for what feels like a life that's moving much too quickly. 21 today. I feel the same, and yet nothing is. In the Humanist tradition, change seems to be the only constant. I used to really believe my life would lived playing in the same river; same friends, dreams, beliefs and interests...but my mistake was overlooking the fact that the river was never the same to begin with.
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(4 blatant remarks | tell me all about it)
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| Friday, May 20th, 2005
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3:43 pm
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The Heart Has Its Reasons Which the Reason Does Not Understand-Pascal
If anything resonates with my college experience thus far, it is this quote.
There's really no need for expansion or explanation.
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(tell me all about it)
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| Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
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12:15 am - Drug Culture
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Cocaine is the new marajuana. The harmless high that everyone was on, but no one over the age of 29 was talking about is now in powder form. Everywhere I turn, people are doing cocaine...just for starters of course. Rubbing it on their gums, snorting it, sucking every last trace out of a plastic bag, passing sacks around in class. PUC thinks their issue is figuring out how to get kids to go to worship without complaining? How about figuring out what to do with a generation of genius kids throwing their life away cause they can't see any better alteratives? How about having me look through a funnybook without knowing that 10 faces on every page were doing lines last night, and the other 20 on the page were too selfish or ignorant to take notice. It feels like this entire campus is a lie. And if I believed the judiciary comittee of PUC actually did anything productive in handling such situations, I might even consider mentioning it to someone, but that's a joke too. Do they think these kids even hear them when they talk about Christ? You're NOT teaching them a lesson. They don't want anything to do with your God of punishment and rules. Your sermons and suspension and AA meetings and drug tests only make them hate you and all that you stand for. They hate you and in turn they act out to spite you in ways you couldn't imagine. After all, this is an Adventist campus right? We don't have problems with rape, prostitution, cocaine, marajuana, shrooms, helium, mutilation, anorexia, alcoholism, promiscuity, STDs, or abortions. At least not nearly as bad as elsewhere, right? Wrong, wrong, wrong. Why then am I watching so much suffering and feeling lost in an enviroment that does anything but help. Kids seem fairly sure that the only reason anyone would show interest is for the security of image or the duty of "Christianity." If PUC tried to make Christ applicable, as He really is, to the real life, dirty, depressing, foul stuff going on underneath, maybe we could get somewhere. We're still too hung up on PDA, cussing, observing Sabbath and drinking caffine to notice that children of God are slowly killing themselves and their pretty convinced that no one cares.
And I'm at a loss for words, cause maybe no one in this place really does...
Scared for my friends, at a loss for an answer.
Knowing it's not really about drugs at all...makes it that much harder to understand.
current mood:  scared
current music: The Used-Bulimic
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(1 blatant remark | tell me all about it)
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| Friday, January 21st, 2005
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1:20 pm - Lousy Friday
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Yesterday I was prepared to write this wonderful entry about my fabulous life...
My job is incredible, the pay is even better, my boyfriend is supportive, loving...perfect for me in so many ways (all of them), summer plans are coming together, Russia is approaching swiftly, school is going along fairly smoothly...
and then I say one thing in the wrong tone, get mistaken, and it all goes to trash.
I don't want to go to work and deal with screaming kids beating each other up when I turn my head, I got a paycut since we got taken over by the Boys and Girls Club, my boyfriend drove off infuriated with me and brought up past junk that I let go of ages ago but he can't seem to get out of his head, my mother and best friend are insistent that I come home for summer, Russia is cutting into my finals, and I have four tests next week that are going to absolutely demolish me, not to mention a paper for Fulton that I'm just waiting to be ripped apart.
Thank goodness it's Friday? I don't think so.
Luckily I'm going out with Sarah and Nicole tonight, so that should be fun times. Hopefully Nathan is over thinking I'm out to hurt him. I love him SO much I can't imagine ever doing something to purposefully make him feel anything less than amazing. I get so frustrated that he thinks about events from 9 months ago and makes them applicable to our current issues. Oh well, I know we'll mend it, and I'll feel silly for even wasting time fretting about it. We work together today, so I'm sure we'll hash it out before then. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
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(2 blatant remarks | tell me all about it)
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| Monday, August 30th, 2004
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10:50 pm
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So much yet so little changes each time I come home. There's been weddings and babies and careers and apartments and yet sometimes we're still just those kids in highschool. Not the uptight, gossiping, drama queens, but the carefree girls and boys who can talk freely amongst one another as if not a day has gone by. As nice as it is, the other side of the coin is that we remember one another for who we were in highschool, so change is a difficult thing to accomplish. I'd like to post a memo specifically to two certain individuals who attempt to force me into the label they see fit. While familiarity is nice to come home to, observing growth is even more encouraging. It has been nice to be able to reconnect with a few people this summer, I wish it could've been sooner, I wish it could've been longer...but there's always room for improvement.
I wrote Jorge a few moments ago, and it made me miss Europe immensely. The campus, the breathtaking art and scenery, the French Alps out my window, the language, the culture, the generosity and compassion of the people... it was by far the most inspiring and humbling place I have ever been in my life, and I would not trade my experience for the world. I would like to go back at Christmas (I would like to go back tomorrow) but I think my next trip to Europe will have to be to Spain...my love for France, Italy, Switzerland, and England will have to be rekindled at a later date.
I leave to see Nathan on Wednesday morning. I am more nervous than I have ever been to see a boy before. I feel like a ridiculous child, but it's an amazing feeling. He reduces me to absolute giddiness and I love it. I thought I knew loneliness, I thought I knew emptiness....but not until I met Nathan and then had to turn around and say goodbye. What everyone thought was a fling, what everyone thought was a big mistake, what everyone thought they were experts on but really knew nothing about....is turning out pretty incredible after all. I used to kick myself if I ever planned a guy into even my immediate future, but with Nathan it seems silly not to. No matter what path I see my life taking, I see him in it for quite awhile. I like the way that feels. Yay for the Canadian.
Rêves doux au Vancouver. Peace.
current mood:  anxious
current music: Yellowcard
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| Sunday, July 20th, 2003
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12:30 pm - California Love
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I woke up this morning missing California. I don't know how that's possible when the last few weeks have been so incredible...but something about California is calming. Maybe it's the freedom and independence the state brings. How I can answer to no one, not even myself if I so choose, and that's okay. I thought I would go to UW for graduate school once my four years in the sensational Napa Valley are over, but UCLA isn't sounding that bad after all. I thought I would hate Cali, hate leaving home...but after a year I've realized Cali is my home, and this place is just my vacation.
I never thought the day would come when privacy, intimacy and security would be viciously mocked in my own home. I never thought my trust would be broken. I undoubtedly believed my entire world would crumble if it was ever invaded in such a way. But that day came and you were there and my world didn't crumble after all. My foundation might have been rocked a little, but it stood stronger in the end. I know now when I'm on shaky ground, I can steady myself in your eyes. Nothing can change that...not parents or peers or a few hundred miles in between us...and nothing will.
current mood:  optimistic
current music: Red Hot Chili Peppers
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(1 blatant remark | tell me all about it)
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| Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
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10:22 pm - Softly Strumming the Melody of You
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The uncertainty of summer keeps me feeling alive. I feel like my skin is being constantly pricked with possibility. I like the thoughts I wake up to. I like the what's on my mind. Who would wish for tomorrow, if their today was as blissful as mine?
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(1 blatant remark | tell me all about it)
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| Friday, June 20th, 2003
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12:15 pm - You wanna talk about a break through?
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So he calls last night at midnight, begging for me to come rescue him from his lonliness, but really he just wants to rescue me from the life he thinks is so hopelessly dull. Little does he know the tricks I have up my sleeve, waiting to be unleashed on a magical night with a man who knows nothing of our history. It didn't even cross my mind, those three little letters I'm so used to saying, excited to leave my routine behind. What's wrong with a routine, with stability and confidence? Last quarter in Speech Comm. we learned that without a certain amount of predictability a relationship can't survive. And I certainly couldn't survive if all I needed in life was a little interest behind his phone call. I didn't even care, all butterflies have disappeared. I was wishing he was someone else beckoning me to his side.
So forget you and what you think you know about my life.
Newsflash:
*You're not in it.*
Shocking isn't it? "
No" goes to your advances and glances, your invitations and complications.
Get used to hearing no, the next time I whisper yes it's going to be in someone elses ear.
current mood:  accomplished
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| Thursday, June 19th, 2003
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11:28 pm - Looking at you reminds me of a better life...
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I am the queen of impossible situations. I am the queen of contradictory impulses. I am the queen of butchering perfection and losing myself in unstable moments. Classify, crucify, it's all the same thing. The resemblence of Judas is much too strong. Hook, line and sink her to the bottom of your pity. I'm mentally compounding your guilty glances. You say I'm your inspiration, but it's your fleeting footsteps that ignite the inspiration to torch your memory. My heart is growing weary of your emotional jet lag. I can't catch up to the life I never had.
current mood:  confused
current music: Red House Painters
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| Saturday, December 14th, 2002
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2:01 am - How selfish am I?
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My dog died tonight.
And at first all I could think about is "What a minor detail in this chaotic life, the death of a pet." But then I stopped and thought about my life and how it's the details that have made it worth living. It's the details that hype me up for the day and get me out of my bed in the morning. And Mac was one of those amazing little details. He was such a sweet, good, loving, loyal dog, who would whine when he missed my dad and flop next to me on my pillow when he was tired. And I loved him so much.....so so much. I am such a selfish human being, but never for a second would my puppy question loving me. Every night he'd be there to cuddle and play with. I just wish there was something I could've done. I wish I could've stole him away from the house on the road I knew was way too busy, I wish we would've taken him to Hawaii, I wish we would've never moved away to begin with....I just wish I could see him and pet him and love his little face. He was so young and cute and full of energy and life. That dog loved whole heartedly and unselfishly....how quick we are to overlook the details that could teach us a quality of life we are too self centered to even dream of. So I'm mourning my puppy, and remembering all the happiness he brought me, which is okay, even if it is a minor detail. I hadn't seen Mac for months, but tonight I miss him more than ever. I am, however, so grateful to have been able to love so simply and so much.
I am so sorry Mac, I miss you and love you madly.
current mood:  sad
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(1 blatant remark | tell me all about it)
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| Thursday, September 12th, 2002
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11:38 am - So This Is All I Know
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I've got an appointment to see the doctor today and I really don't want to go. When it came down to making a list of ailments and things to ask/tell her about, the list grew increasingly intimidating and long. I need it I suppose, to get this body in gear and ready to make it's way into the medical world. ha ha Yes, I long to start school....I know it sounds crazy, but I've been looking forward to the beginning of the end of my formal education for some time now. Plus I'd like to obtain an amount of knowledge that can somewhat back up my furious mental ramblings, and questioning for that matter. Had to get beat in the shoulder by Joe a few times yesterday to realize how much I miss them...the boys who made life so carefree and fun...I will always make time for a wrestling match when I come back, remember that for sure. The phone has rang about eleven times since 11 o'clock. That is one thing I will miss about Sunriver...no phone, no computer, no mind numbing distractions (besides the television that is). I feel like I am an obligatory downfall, and how fun is that? I'm doing my best, that's all the reassurance I can give. And it's the truth, I really am giving it my all. Of course that's not perfection, I'm not even close to capable. I did, however, just toast an english muffin to perfection, and that is something I'm officially proud of. Jordin I did get your e-mails and I love reading your entries questioning whether or not I'm breathing...I am here and doing well, and I'm eternally grateful for your compassion and concern. Adi, I love you and miss you and I know it's not cool I didn't address you sooner but I've been anywhere but my house for the past week or so. I was never really close to Jon, but I can tell you that his friend Ben is someone that I really care about, so if they have similar qualitites Jon can't be too bad. I hope Pepperdine is treating you well, how are the calves coming along? I saw Greta W. yesterday and then had a dream that she was my roommate....it's astounding how your subconscious works. I'm starting to realize how much I'm going to miss my girlfriends, I'm looking forward to dinner tonight, just to see their amazing selves. They are truly the most gorgeous group of women I have ever come to know, inside and out. I am more than fortunate to have such a strong, connected backbone of females as my continual support.
God- You caught me running away, I'm just waiting for You to come and rescue me. Rescue me.
This journal has traveled far from it's original purpose, so as sworn to myself, this is my last entry. Not as profound as I had hoped maybe, but honest. And I think that's okay. I think if I make it through life honestly, that in itself will be profound. Good luck to everyone on their journey. Remember what you stand for.
I love my friends, I love my family, I love my God.
current mood:  satisfied
current music: Oasis-Don't Go Away
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(2 blatant remarks | tell me all about it)
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| Sunday, September 8th, 2002
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12:32 am - Uninhibited
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Wish I could write about something entirely superficial right now, but it doesn't look like that's happening. Almost collapsed from a severe panic attack during the middle of prayer today at church. That's it's own issue I suppose, between God and I. Still, concerning. Just wanting to be absent of depth, how sad is that, I just want to live and let live for 2 seconds and maybe this migraine that's pulsating will leave me alone for just one night without having to pop an oxicontin once again. I don't know what to think, and it's rare and it's frustrating. It's not fun to say the least. There's so much I want to say and so much I'm thinking about, yes. I just don't feel like I have the right to say it, even if I'm asked. Like I'm going to be offensive or something, when it would just be honesty. I'm risking my emotional welfare over a few butterflies. It's ridiculous. I don't know where I belong right now. I feel out of place in my own skin. Needing some comfort and clarity, not all this doubt in myself. Needing to find myself found, it shouldn't be this hard.
current mood: lost
current music: Do What You Have To Do-Sarah McLachlan
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(3 blatant remarks | tell me all about it)
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| Saturday, September 7th, 2002
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5:14 pm - I Had No Idea
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Everything has changed. Our daily routines have been flipped around and upside down. Maybe I was just kicked out of yours, or exited quickly....either way, your life doesn't include me. Not the way it once did. I chose this I suppose; to leave, to change, to grow. But a slight glimpse of "what could have been " if time had so obliged me made me miss it. Made me realize I only despised it so I would no longer desire it. Made me want to tell you that I wanted you back here, in my world this time, on my terms. Pipe dreams sail away so sweetly. I loved you with all I had, you know that I did. So if you believe that, than obviously I still do, behind the false terms. You say you were my best friend.....the kind of friendship you speak of doesn't have past tense in it's vocabulary. Either you are or you aren't. So step up and state your cause, remember why you let yourself love me, or leave me be. I don't want to dabble in something that isn't real.
current mood: betrayed
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| Tuesday, September 3rd, 2002
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11:00 pm - Nothing Else Compares
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I may be blessed or cursed with this constant flow of questioning, indecisiveness, analytical processing, and critiquing...but I know this for sure. It'll be okay. Even when I'm scared, sad, tired, under prepared, undeserving, lonely and lost. Because of everything I come across when I am found. Today was hard, just waking up, just seeing the sun and knowing I had to start all over. But God reminded me over and over why I'm not the one who is gone. He put me here for some incomprehensible reason, maybe it's simply to figure that out; that He needs me, more so that I need Him. I feel like hiding and someone comes looking, I feel like crying and someone is at the door to wipe my smeared tears. I have this amazing family, just utterly fantastic is what they are. I can't even explain how ungrateful I have been, and completely miserable and horrible and they still hold me up. I go against what they wish for me today and they're only concerned for my best interests, not angry or upset at all. They still praise me with warmth and pride and unfailing love. I have this best friend who is so down to earth, so real and true, she sometimes can't even see the awful things in this earth because her heart coats everything with faith. She would run away with me to distances near or far if I needed her by my side...she always does. She loves me with a blind love that I don't understand because I'm so critical, I can only love her the same way because she taught me how. I have this boy who is hard to fathom sometimes, that's how unbelievably incredible he is. To me, to his friends, to absolute strangers. He doesn't know how not to be. He could ground me with a single word, he has this affect on me I've never let anyone have before. So when he asks me what I'm thinking sometimes it's difficult to answer because I'm such an extremist. I might explode with happiness just being next to him, to be so priviledged, protected, cherished, lucky, comfortable, content, and enthralled within a second. I might explode without him, to not have him in my life. When I'm found I know that I do. I have amazing people all around me. I have Liz who continues to support me, though life has taken us in a million different directions. I have Jordin and Cody together next year, which who could ask for more. The two best guys I have ever known. They strengthen my faith just by observing their own. I have no fear or anticipation about this coming year just knowing they'll be around. My roommate happens to be a girl I've been friends with for the past five years, we're practically family. Alison, Shannon, Chelsey, Kristin, and Liz all dropped plans to be by my side when I needed them. Ashley and I can go for weeks without conversation and find ourselves as close as ever with one inside joke. I can go to Nicole for any random conversation or concern and she is willing and full of insight. My boys from the Art School.....you all have such potential, I only survived last year because I had you around. You remind me not to take life so seriously, and if I'm ever in doubt of myself you lead me right back to who I truly am and make it impossible not to laugh at my shortcomings...and you're probably not even aware you do it, which is the great part. You do it just by being yourselves. (Good luck on your first day tomorrow by the way, it makes me miss you even more knowing you'll be starting another year of craziness together, and I won't be there to partake in it. Keep track of all the stories, I want all the dirt when I'm back around.)
Basically, blessed or cursed with my heavy head, ultimately I am blessed. For a million more reasons than I could begin to list, and for a million more people that I've forgotten to mention. Sometimes all we need is a little reminder, so I decided to open my eyes. It doesn't make the bad stuff go away, but it shows me the rest of the picture. It shows me that I'll be lucky to wake up tomorrow and see the sun.
"I came here with a load, and it feels so much lighter now that I met you. And honey you should know, that I could never go on without you."
current mood:  crazy
current music: Green Eyes
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(1 blatant remark | tell me all about it)
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3:27 pm - The Truth Is....I Miss You
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Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me you questions. Oh let's go back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
current music: Coldplay
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| Monday, September 2nd, 2002
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11:51 pm - I Can't Carry The Weight of My Head Any Longer
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This isn't how it's supposed to be. I know that for sure. I'm supposed to mold into this ideal girl, and everything she ever thought I was or could be would fall into place, including you and especially You.
But maybe it doesn't, maybe that's what I'm supposed to figure out.
I am the girl swimming carelessly in the river.
I am the random heart.
I am supposed to carry this on my own.
I can't pass all my shortcomings on to you, and pretend they never existed. I've already got the knots in my shoulders to prove that they were there. And I can't make up for you. I thought I wouldn't have to. I thought a lot of things....it all used to seem so simple, so real...now I'm not sure if I'm the real me near or far from you.
And this "you" I'm referring to....I don't even know who you are. I just know I'm tired of carrying you around in the back of my mind, even if you are just an illusion.
Frustration is exactly that....frustrating. And it hits at the most inopportune times. If I knew how to be myself in entirety, I wouldn't deny her....but it might just be me that doesn't want to hear the truth. Or I might just be sick of the game.
I am SO SICK of this. Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity. I just want to be happy. Shut up my restless head.
"No one said it would be easy, but no one said it'd be this hard."
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Rockstar Soundtrack
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(4 blatant remarks | tell me all about it)
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| Saturday, August 31st, 2002
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8:11 pm - I Was Lost, Crossed Lines I Shouldn't Have Crossed, I Was Lost
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I catch myself daydreaming, close to every other minute, mostly of you.
Listening to music that only encourages my indulgence. Of you.
You...thoughts of you, missing you...feeling in a separate world somehow. Undeserving of the one the you inhabit.
I wake up thinking you're here, remember you're there, remember you were next to me only in my dream. And all those sleepless nights, the truth of what I really miss most...I miss you, I miss crawling back into your arms, even if it's only in my head, even if it's only a dream. Thoroughly aware of how scared I am. Wonder if you can sense it. Feel like I should find you, apologize, tell you I need you, tell you it all. Everything good, everything bad, it doesn't matter until I can tell you, share it with you. Don't want to chase you away; don't want to make it too much. Sometimes language has it's own way of taking over. Taking me over. It's never too much, not of you, you consume me. Even when you're not around. Even when you don't choose me. Even if you never do.
"There's something so tragic, about a hopeless romantic. I want you takin' this heart of mine."
current mood: lonely
current music: The Scientist
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| Thursday, August 29th, 2002
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11:45 pm - In My Place
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My surgery is finally a thing of the past and I'm feeling great which is really a huge weight off my chest.....hehe sorry I couldn't help it I'm a geek. Hmmmm so I feel really amazing tonight, I've got to spend more time with my girlfriends in the last week than I think I have the entire summer. Guess I should visit the hospital more often, they are all excellent nurses. Talked about marriage a lot the last couple of days, makes me long for the days where there is an absolute lack of drama and second guessing. It'll be so awesome to believe that someone loves me and believes that I will love them for the rest of our lives. Marriage is such an incredible gift we have has humans. It's too bad it gets abused so much. It's weird that some of my girlies see themselves walking down the aisle in the next year or two while I'm quite confident I'll hear Pomp and Circumstance at least one more time before I hear wedding bells. Still, definitely something to look forward to. I love the song where the woman prays for her future husband, whoever he may be, hoping the best things for him until God directs their paths toward one another. Love should be like that, it should just fall into place and feel like a perfect fit from the first glance. Of course we're not really capable of that, we're too insecure and defensive as a species. (Unless we're in the movies) But God's love falls on us sort of in that matter. Most of the time we stumble upon it, completely surprised and unaware He was searching for us from square one. I feel so strong in my love for Christ, it's so amazing to no longer question what sort of impression I'm making or if I measure up as the perfect Christian. I'm definitely an introverted person when it comes to my spirituality, but I'm slowly accepting that that's okay, that I am witnessing in my own way, to the people God leads me to in the best way that I know how. The way that He has shown to me. I don't have to be the best and I don't have to be perfect...I just have to strive to love Him more, and all things will follow. He will show me how to serve and witness and live in a way that glorifies Him, which is all I long to do. God wants me to love my life, and I don't have to live under regimented confines to be a light for Him, it's just not me, and He wants me to praise Him with the voice He has given to me...not the one others might be expecting. I have two tattoos, soon a piercing to add, I wear rings and necklaces and dye my hair. I listen to every single type of music, I bite my nails from time to time, I read obscure and twisted novels, I provoke people to the point where they may not like having me around, I joke with my friends and we're occasionally crude (or at least what some would consider so), I don't sing in the choir, and I don't feel so comfortable speaking in church or praying out loud....BUT that does not change that my heart beats every beat in love for Christ my Savior, my Father, my One and Only. I live because He lives. How true is that? And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to live life to the fullest, exactly as Christ would want me to do, under His guidance and wrapped in His loving acceptance. I'm His child, how cool is that? I am the child of Jesus Christ, so how lucky am I when I get to go home???? The best thing is all of my friends, all of those who have found themselves in His unceasing love, they all get to come with me. Here's to the best sleep-over ever. I am so cheesy, but I am so happy to know I am saved. Bottom line.
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mudpie's journal